I’ve been dealing with some things lately, and I feel I owe those of you who have asked me about them, and offered your support, and worry about me, some explanation. It’s under the cut, but believe me, I won’t blame you if you just scroll past.
I try not to clutter my blog with OOC issues. After all, this is my happy place, my little safe haven, my harbor away from the sometimes shark-infested waters of fandom and the roleplay community. I feel so immensely lucky and blessed that I’ve never had many issues while playing here; I like to think it’s because I really do just love and respect everyone, and you all know that. <3
All of that said, I’ve had a rather earth-rocking revelation over the course of the last evening. Long story short, my friend has made it clear she’s probably not going to be roleplaying with me anymore (I’m not going to go into details about everything, that’s just not fair to her, it was some very heavy stuff unfortunately) which puts me out of a Mako—but more than that, puts me out of the very reason I made this account. To play with her, to be the Korra to her Mako.
I’m not saying I can’t find another Mako, though given my anxieties the thought of even trying to do that seems so daunting and terrifying that I’d rather curl up in a hole forever, but it’s a whole lot more than that. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend here. I have met so many lovely and wonderful people here, I have so many incredible and beautiful partners, and there are SO MANY of you who support me and enjoy what I’m doing, I know I owe it to ALL of you not to just up and quit. I would never do that, never.
But I’m lost. I really don’t know what to do. I just lost another friend a few months ago (I privately reached out to a few of you for support through that harrowing experience), and a very beloved RP buddy before that, and I’ve been feeling increasingly small and insignificant. Most of you probably think I’m just humble, but I assure you, I struggle with self-confidence and self-esteem same as everyone, probably even moreso. I’ve overcome a great deal in my life that has me standing strong where I am today, but it’s still a daily battle. When I say I see you, when I say you matter, I mean it—because I needed to hear that spoken into my own life and there was no one there for me.
I’m sorry, now I’m just vomiting up all of my feelings. Q_Q I just really hope and pray you all can bear with me as I get my head on straight and try to figure out what to do next. It’s a little hard when I’m still grieving.